I wish I had a monopoly
Of the air that people breathe for free,
I'd have the world within my grasp,
Then I could squeeze and watch it gasp.
I'd set up a chain of air banks,
And package it in jars and tanks.
And if it wouldn't be too much trouble.
I could sell it by the breath and bubble.
Every house would have a meter
And I'd charge so much a liter.
If anyone complained I wasn't fair,
I'd simply disconnect his air.
For the rich who live in penthouses,
I'd lease them oxygen tent-houses.
As for the poor, hard-working stiff,
He'd have his share of smog to sniff.
I'd get a royalty from every corporation
That used combustion or oxidation.
No major company could afford
Not to have me chairman of the board
The government would see the utter futility
Of probing my private public utility.
Anytime I chose to raise the rate,
They'd pay or else asphyxiate.
I'd supply Congress with enough hot air
To float a resolution that would declare:
Oxygen exempt from anti-trust suits
And warn the nation against substitutes.
I'd buy all the brains and talent I need
To proclaim their conviction (in line with my creed)
That the only air that's really free
Is the kind that's controlled by monopoly.
For human nature, being what it is,
With all its selfishness and avarice.
You can't trust the public to share
Such a vital commodity like air.
If I could get a monopoly
Of the air that people breathe for free.
I'd have the world within my grasp,
Then I could squeeze and watch it gasp.
Harry Kelber
